Alive!

My birthday was a few days ago & I can’t believe all the people who wished me “Happy Birthday!” (Thank you so much!)  It was a great day & a reminder to be grateful for all I have in my life. We often overlook the simplest pleasures by getting caught up with every day life.

Slowing down has become more and more difficult.

There are so many “advances” which make our lives easier. Though it is easier to keep in touch, we still have to choose how we spend our time. Who hasn’t gotten sucked into Facebook for hours at least once? Who hasn’t lost track of time “researching” something on Pinterest? Or who doesn’t prefer online shopping to the mall but still can spend as much time clicking away to find good deals? Wi-fi can be great to share pictures of your fabulous vacation but it also means the office can reach you if they need to. Regardless of these options, I realized on my birthday I am grateful for life.

Thank goodness I am ALIVE!  What a gift from God, or whatever Higher Power you believe in.

Life is a gift.

Things can change so much in one year.  Shoot, things can change so much in one day!

We all have good days and bad days. We all have times when we feel confident, strong and full of energy to do things. Then there are the times when we feel unsure, very small and unable to get anything done. Some days we tackle huge projects and make a lot of progress. Other days we can’t seem to focus or complete the smallest of tasks.

My “favorite” days are the ones where a bit of all those feelings come into play! I can start out charged up, positive and sure what I have to get done. Before I realize it, I’m flustered, overwhelmed and dashing from one thing to the next without any plan or thought. Sometimes it can switch back again and there is renewed purpose and a hopeful outlook.

We all experience both types of days.

Thank goodness each morning we start with a fresh chance. We get another chance to try again. Waking up, anything can happen. It can go either way. The best part is we are ALIVE to experience it. (Trust me, I know on those bad days, it doesn’t feel lucky to experience them at the time! But we do learn and gain from them.)

Birthdays are a time when we reflect. On mine, I was happy to be alive. It was easy for me to feel FULL of Gratitude since it was my birthday. Now is the challenging part. How can I/we be sure to remember our gratitude even when it isn’t our birthday or any special day for that matter?

Questions For Getting FULL of Gratitude…

How can I find gratitude in every day?
What small thing can I stop and be grateful for?
Who might really be touched to hear how much they mean to me?

Take a few moments and think about your answers to these questions.

I have found that the first thought which pops into my head is usually the one I feel most strongly. Don’t pressure yourself to think of “a really good one.” Trust your gut! Go with that first thought. Spend a few more moments expanding it more. Is there an action you want to take now that you have put some thought into it? Or is it enough of a reminder to just think about it for a few moments? You know what is right for you.

Warmly,
Michelle

Day 4 & 5 combined: Write about loss. (First in a three-post series to follow at later dates). You find a random letter. (Be brief).

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Beth,

I love YOU.  You mean everything to me.  Part of me understands why you feel we need to end.  Part of me can’t imagine life without you.  No matter what, I love you.  And always will.  You are my first True Love.  I wanted you to be my last, forever in my life.  You will always have a special place in my heart.  

Yours always,

Steven

I stared at the letter a few more moments.  Memories of my own First Love flashed in my mind.  Wait.  Why today did this letter cross my path? Over twenty years ago I love my First Love on this very day.

Christopher.  He was my First Love. Two weeks before our one year anniversary he died in a car crash.  Deep down I knew we were about to break up and that was hard to admit since he died.  Our bickering was  too much.  But I loved him.  Still do.

First Loves.  There is nothing like that first time you fall head over heels.  First Loves are full of innocence, wonder, laughter and intensity.  Everything shared is brand new.  Everything seems so meaningful.

It was with Christopher . He was the perfect First Love for me.  Our combined innocence made everything we did all the more exciting.  There was lots of laughter with him.  We had fun together.  It was sweet.

My husband accepts part of my heart belongs to Christopher.  I made sure of that before we married.  Thank goodness he understands.

Married Love.  Totally different that First Love.  Every day ups and downs.  More reality than specialty.  More knowledge than innocence.  We grow up.  We understand or accept rather than try and make everything perfect.  Special times are different in Married Love than First Love.

I’m lucky to have both.

Day 3

Today’s Prompt: Write about the three most important songs in your life — what do they mean to you? There are so many songs I love.  How on earth can I pick only 3?  From which stage in my life shall I focus on?  I believe one of the powers music can have on people is to take them back in time, to a specific moment, situation or interaction.  Listening to a song can bring back emotions from many years ago.  What do I want to share today…? First, I’ll go with my “anthem” by Helen Ready, “I Am Woman!”  Raised by a single mom, believer in women’s rights and yet more traditional in my core values than I sometimes like to admit, this song screams “Girl Power!” for me (and I don’t mean “girl” in a belittling way).  Women can do anything they set their mind to.  Even more when women band together.  I love the way this song builds and builds until Helen Ready is belting it out at the end.

Oh yes, I am wise.

But its wisdom born of pain.

Yes, I’ve paid the price, but look how much I’ve gained.

If I have to…I can do anything.

I am strong (strong)

I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman…

I bought myself the CD a few years ago and would sing my guts out on the way to work.  It got me pumped up.  It helped me get focused. Most important, this song helped me believe in myself at times when I didn’t really.  I’d put this song on and everything would seem all right.  This was the phrase I shouted when I reached the summit of Mt. Whitney with my husband (right before the altitude sickness hit me and we had to descend rapidly).  I yelled it out after hiking back to the top of the Grand Canyon much to the embarrassment of my husband and nephew.  The other tourists nearby seemed to chuckle too.  This is the chant I’ve shared with women during the 3 Day Breast Cancer walk.  It is a badge of honor.  It is a declaration.  It is my personal anthem. My second important song has got to be “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor.  This was her one hit wonder.  Though she put out other songs, this is the main one people know her for.  Again, it speaks to my soul,

I’ve got all my life to live,

I’ve got all my love to give,

And I’ll survive!

 I will survive!  Hey! Hey!

This is one of the songs that always gets me out on the dance floor.  Growing up, all the girls would dance together while the boys stood nervously on the side.  After graduating college, I distinctly remember dancing & singing this song to my college boyfriend from a disco somewhere in London.  We had broken up before the trip, and while I knew it was the right thing to do, I  needed the reassurance. Seems any time I have ever heard this song, there is always something happening in my life that I can benefit from the reminder “I will survive!”

For my third favorite, or important song in my life, I must break from the pattern established by the first two.  Instead of having another feminist anthem, I’ve got to switch to hopeless romantic.  Barry Manilow’s “Could It Be Magic” takes the cake.  Finding that one person who loves you so much.  Meeting your soulmate and knowing your life will never be the same.  For years I imagined finding a man who would say things like this to me:

Come, come into my arms,

Oh let me know the wonder of all of you.

Baby I want you!  

Now, now, oh now and hold on fast,

Could this be the magic at last!?!

When I found it all in my husband, I couldn’t believe it.  After seventeen years of marriage we are still learning about each other.  He is the one person I trust completely.  The one I show “all of myself” to, and that has meant showing things I didn’t want to see myself.  The fact he is still here, next to me and in my life, well, that IS the magic at last!

Put all three of these songs together and you have a good snapshot of me.  While I am fiercely independent and resourceful, there are times I just want my husband to put his arms around me and hold tight.  I want to be told “Everything will be all right as long as we stick together.”  

A Bad Day, Week or Month

A bad day.  Ok.  Everyone has them, I tell myself.  Then it grows into a blah week.  That is ok too.  Not every week is going to be action packed and exciting, right?  Many things in life are actually very mundane and boring; yet they still need to get done.  That week seems to keep expanding.  A bad month?  Well hold right there.  This has been going on longer than I want to admit.  What’s up?  I just feel blah…

Depression.  Shoot.  Here we go again, I realize.

I have struggled with depression for years.  On again and off again.  Sometimes linked to events in my life and sometimes for what seems like no reason.  Out of the blue I will realize a “bad day” has dragged on and on.  While maybe not every single day has been bad, overall my outlook and motivation has really lagged. Then I’ll realize I am depressed, again.  Ugh.

I’ve gone through enough of these times to know they will pass.  Once, when confiding in a girlfriend, I labeled myself as “a highly functioning depressee/ depressor!”  I still have on my smile.  I greet others with warmth and care.  I get (most) things I need to done.  But I have moments where I just don’t care about much.  I have to dig deep and remind myself things are really okay.  I can even feel like a fraud because I will put on a cheerful disposition when inside I’m really empty and sad.

It is hard when you can’t always trust your own feelings.  If I did, when I have been depressed, I’d let a lot more slip.  If I went with my initial feelings when depressed, I’d stay in bed for days on end.  Simply hiding under the covers and searching for comfort in my soft, fuzzy blankets.  When that comfort didn’t appear, I’d feel even worse.  So choose to go to battle and fight back.  Usually it turns into an inner battle raging in my head,  “Snap out of it!  You know this will pass!  Look at all you have to thankful in life!  Aren’t you the one who writes about gratitude?  Take your own medicine!”

“I’m trying!” comes the first reply.  “Yes, I know it will pass but right now it just sucks.”  I battle back.  “Of course I am still thankful for all I have in my life.  I appreciate it and just feel blah right now…  I am trying to take my own medicine, that is why I’m still writing and fighting back!”  All these thoughts get shouted back and forth in my head, sometimes several times a day.

Yet when I am in a depression, it does just suck.  Sometimes I can’t sleep well. Other times all I want to do is sleep.  Sometimes my focus is gone.  Doing the simplest, daily tasks can become challenging.  Try and pick out something to wear (which will make you feel good) when you don’t even care if you shower.  That can be a problem. What’s for dinner?  I don’t know yet.  I can’t seem to focus long enough to determine what I have to cook with.  I’m not even hungry and nothing tastes good so why bother?

Regardless which “symptoms” of depression I’m showing at any given time (and they do vary!) an underlying driver I’ve learned for myself is motivation.  More accurately, lack of motivation.  When I’m depressed, my motivation to do things, anything, goes out the window.  And I’ll sit at that window for hours hoping my motivation will come flying back to me!

Where does motivation come from?  It can be different from person to person.  It can also vary depending on the situation or task to be completed.

Sometimes it is external forces:

• your boss set a deadline  you need to meet
• you want to earn $ to buy some thing
• you like the way you look 5 pounds lighter

Sometimes it is internal forces:

• you feel pride & accomplishment when you meet a deadline
• you want to earn & pay for things on your own
• you want to be healthier & stronger

There are numerous sources of motivation.  What do you do when there seems to be very little motivation to get something done?  Where do you draw from?  Lately I have been searching for these answers since, yes, I’ve been in another bout.  This time I’ve forced myself to consciously grab ahold of something and simply cling.  The other day it was the sunshine.  I sat outside and soaked it up.  A quick power nap did the trick another time (first I worried that my sleepiness was exaggerated blahs yet when I woke up refreshed, I figured I really did need the rest.)  Petting my dog and cuddling have also helped recently.  And my quest continues.

It has to.

This is something that I struggle with again and again.  The best I can do is keep learning tricks and tips to fight back when needed.  I know lots of other people suffer from depression.  While it can be different for each of us, we are all in the same boat sorta speak.  We must continue fighting back.  We must continue to overcome the feelings of blah and hopelessness.

Together, I believe we can.

Have a warm, thankful, motivated week!

Michelle

 

 

Forgiving Yourself

I made a mistake.  Last week’s post referenced David Murrow when the real author of Why Refusing to Change is Killing You is Donald Miller.  I had David Murrow on the brain for a different reason and simply did not make the crossover when referencing Donald Miller’s post on Storyline. Their initials are the same: DM.  And that also stands for Duh Michelle!  My sincerest apologies to Donald Miller for noting his work but giving credit to another author.  I am sorry.

And that got me thinking…

How difficult is it for us to forgive ourselves?  Can you cut yourself some slack?  Acknowledge a slip up, correct it and move on?  Or do you continue to beat yourself up mentally, silently, when no one else is around?  I know I’m guilty of the latter.  Yet how many times have we heard the expression, “We are only human.  We all make mistakes.”  Hundreds?  Thousands of times?  Or how often have we tried to reassure children it is okay to mess up?  Making mistakes is part of learning and growing?  So why is it so hard to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake?

This week’s For Getting FULL of Gratitude questions to ponder may take a bit more time than usual.  

Sit back, get comfy…

Think of a recent mistake you made.

Did you acknowledge it and move on?  (Yes?  Good for you!  I’m jealous.  Will you share a comment so the rest of us can learn from your good habit?)

Did you dwell on it?  (Majority of us do…)

Why?  What about making that mistake upset you the most?

Was it that you let other people down?

That you did not know everything right away?

Did a catastrophe result from you not being perfect & making a mistake?

Now let’s switch from the more negative mindset and find the positive…

Did you learn anything from the mistake you made?

Is there a way you can use that knowledge so the same mistake doesn’t happen again?

What insight does this  learning, from your mistake, give you about yourself?  Is there an area that you want to focus on more for you?

And lastly, how does this mistake actually support one of your natural strengths?  Yes, I said strength.  For example, my mix up with David and Donald’s names was because I wanted to check out a book on better understanding my husband.  I am always questioning “why” and trying to figure things out.  My natural strength is to try and understand where another person is coming from.  I just got my authors and ideas mixed up while typing up last’s weeks post.

Seriously, take a few moments and connect your “mistake” to your strength.  See? Not so bad after all, huh?  We ARE all human.  And we ALL make mistakes.  Learning and growing from them can help us be grateful they happen in the first place.  I hope you can keep this in mind throughout the week.

 

Gratefully,

Michelle